Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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