Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize