how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
