Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
