I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
