I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
