literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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