So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
