I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
