When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
