A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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