The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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