what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
