I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
