Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
