I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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