Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
