I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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