having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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