I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
