in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
