I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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