Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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