After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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