Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
