if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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