he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
