I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize