Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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