I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
