shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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