I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
