you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
