That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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