Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
