i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
