And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
