I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
