Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize