Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
