walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
