Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
