im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
