She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My cat gives me a boner
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Two words: blizzard sex
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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