she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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