the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
