you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
