Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
