I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We got so high we made milksteak
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
