You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
