my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
