Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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