Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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