Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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