I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize