Kiss
Puke
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
