I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the day after is always just damage control
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
