There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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